Facing demons

I'm the worst blogger ever. It seems I only ever come here to piss and moan, like this place is my psychiatrist. So indulge me, cause I sometimes really need it. This job is hard. It's excruciating. Trying not to suck is painful. Trying to fit in is painful.

A few months ago I wrote a (in retrospect ill-considered) comment on a celebrated teacher's blog. Things were said. I was shamed, but not "I need to see my psychiatrist  blog about it"- shamed. Probably more touched than I thought. Apologies were made recently. I hold no grudges but I ended up crying. I obsessively searched the individual's blog for my comments and the replies to find out why the hell it upsets me so. It didn't make sense - the comments weren't so bad. I searched the tweets made about it (I'm unwell, okay?) and when I found them I realized why I had such a negative connotation to this experience. I felt gang-raped all over again. Everybody I follow and consider as such inspirations had something negative to say about me. And one part of me is like "man-up you little barbie-doll, welcome to the real world" and another is like "they don't even know me". I know this sounds self-obsessed and egocentric, but these are parts of me I don't even share with my partner, and unfortunately it needs to go somewhere.

Why don't I blog my lessons? Kids love them. They tell me they are valuable. But to be honest I'm scared shitless. I don't want to be that naked. I thought sharing my opinions via comments is a good first step, but that was just horrible to me. Why do I even care about the opinions of people I don't know, will probably never meet and live heaven knows how many flight hours from me? Why do I even want to comment? It's not like I'm brave enough to put /my/ stuff out there. Why do I have a soft spot for the "weird" kid in class who no-one particularly knows, loves, hates - the one with the "weird" ideas and opinions - the one that gets ganged-up on all the time because they are different or odd? Why does that infuriate me?

In order to be better I need to face my inner demons. They are vast and painful and I really don't think I can do this alone.